Fear Driven No More

Investments.

That word causes emotional havoc within my heart. The word ‘investment’ brings about seriousness, commitment, and a need for consistent priorities. It requires responsibility. It inevitably is associated with getting older and gaining maturity.

A couple of weeks ago I hit a new decade, my twenties. Ah, how glorious it sounds not to be in the ‘teens’ anymore…but at the same time, being in my twenties, there is this expectation that in a few years I need to know what I am doing with my life and what kind of career I am going to pursue.

I am currently a psychology major with a women’s studies minor (for those who know me, my minor suits me well)…but I have no idea what I am going to do with my major…or if I am going to use it at all for a job I get after graduation.

I am expected to know where I am going to invest my life. My career, will be an investment. My family, if I am to have my own one day, will be a HUGE investment. These are the things that are expected of us to have figured out throughout our twenties.

Honestly, I saw screw it. If you know me personally, you know I absolutely hate being put in a box of categories that limits my character in it’s entirety. I do not like to be grouped into things that only depict a single part of a whole. There is so much more to me than that. So it just makes sense for me to also dislike having society’s ‘norms’ dictate how I live my life.

Now reigning it back in…to the word “investment”. It causes me to be overwhelmed, and it causes a lot of fear. This fear has been putting thoughts into my head like, what if I’m not good enough? What if I fail or fall short? What if the people I invest in screw me over?

Did you notice that was a LOT of ‘what-ifs”? Yeah, I did too.

Lately I have been living with the fear of having investments in my schoolwork… because the idea that I might fail. I have been living with fear that the people I invest in will take advantage of my vulnerability and hurt me.

I do not believe it is wrong to be scared of some things. It genuinely can be healthy. But fear that causes doubt in myself, fear that causes second-guessing, and/or fear that causes me to step back from your ambitions because the idea of failure… is not okay. Fear that builds walls between myself and the people I love, who I cherish, the people who support me, encourage me, and have inspired me… is not okay.

So here is my declaration, for the entire technological community to see, I will be fear driven no more.

I hope to find new strength, a renewed passion, and a quieter heart to those around me by living life without letting fear make my decisions for me. I hope to be more genuine and vulnerable in my relationships…because I want vulnerability and deepness from others as well.

I express all of this because I know a lot of people, wherever they are in life have doubts, and have a bunch of ‘what-ifs’ clouding their mind. Some of us are better than others about pushing those thoughts away, and some of us, even unconsciously knowing, let these thoughts create a life that isn’t as full as it could be…because fear is limiting.

I am choosing to live my life with perseverance, ambitiously going after goals without any doubt and with confidence that I will get there… without the doubt, am I strong enough to do this? and especially without the fear of close relationships that creates walls between me and the people I hold most dear.

I welcome you to do the same. Challenge yourself. Make life an adventure controlled by ambition, not fear.

I am extremely excited to continue to share my life, my thoughts, adventures, and simple experiences with all of you…so stay tuned.

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1 Response to Fear Driven No More

  1. Mia says:

    i love this nikki. you’re amazing!

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